My mind has been taking a trip back. Back into darkness. Into the darkness of a broken mind.
My recent trip back into the hospital has had me thinking more about that period of time in my life when I lost my husband. For, you see, those periods of the darkness of my mind began back then. When we were together.
I came across some pictures that I took before I was taken to the hospital, oh, so many years ago. Seven, I think. For some reason, it was important for me to take pictures. This happened before every breakdown. The breakdown only lasted for a day or two and then I was “normal” again. But I couldn’t stop the breakdowns from happening. Just as I could not this last time.
I asked the Lord why He made me this way. Why my mind would just go haywire for a short while and then it was back to business as usual. He has not provided me with the answer to that conundrum. I find myself on shaky ground because I am so afraid that yet another breakage of my mind will occur. I’m already thousands of dollars in debt as a result of the previous visits to the hospital. And I hate being locked up, for any reason.
I don’t know quite how to embrace this part of my journey out of darkness. I feel embarrassed and slightly stupid. There is such a stigma attached to mental illness. One that is hard to live with. It’s as though I am stained and I don’t know how to get the stain out.
Saying that I feel slightly stupid hurts because I am a very intelligent human being. But when these episodes occur, I feel vulnerable, scared, and like a small child helpless to find her way in a big world. I don’t know what I think of the Lord and I find it difficult to employ my spiritual warfare to this “batte” of the mind. I don’t feel prepared or equipped to deal with the enemy at times like this. But this is precisely the time when I need to pull out my sword of the spirit and start swinging the word of God. “Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy thoughts shall be established.” (Prov.16:3) “For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim.1:7)
For a while, I fell into fear, but the fighter in me is back. Just speaking the Word has given me strength.
God is for me. I know that. And if God be for me, who can be against me? (Rom.8:31) Nobody, that’s who!
I don’t know why the Lord is having me to revisit these dark places. But I DO know that He is in control of all things, including my mind. I can trust Him with it. He has delivered me from all things. He will deliver me from this, too. The Lord did not say that the afflictions would not keep coming. But He did promise to deliver us from all of them.
No weapon that is formed against me shall prosper. Not one. (Is.54:17) And my God will never leave me, nor forsake me. So, what in the world am I worrying about? Phantoms in the air, that’s what. But I now have my shield of faith and I am going to go into battle with a war cry that will make sstupid ssatan shudder in terror. I have the victory over HIM, not the other way around. I just forgot that for a few minutes. But not any longer. I’m going to make the enemy pay for scaring me. I’m not in darkness any longer. I’m in the Light.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.