Confusion

“For all the promises of God in him are yea, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.” (2 Cor.1:20)

This blog post will be different than my others.Where I usually speak about the love and peace of God and accompany those assertions with scripture, with this post I will simply be speaking from my heart and will let my words take me where they will. I have started out with a scripture and that one I believe with my whole heart. For God WILL keep His promises, no matter what our circumstances may be or seem to be.

I am drinking orange juice. The color orange is a reminder to me that God is faithful and keeps His promises, so the drinking of orange juice is my act of faith in God’s Word and His faithfulness.

Now that I have dealt with my faith, I shall express my feelings. I feel confusion. I feel shame. I do not doubt God, but I doubt myself. I doubt my sanity. I doubt whether I have been hearing the voice of God. I doubt my freedom. All because I got locked up again. One minute I was in the car on the way to a hearing for a friend and the next, I was strapped to a hospital bed with someone sitting next to me in the dark. I do not remember the hours in between. My sister had to fill in the blanks for me and that alone makes me question everything. For I was going along, filled with the love and the peace and the joy of the Holy Ghost, and the very next minute I can be in a mental hospital? What the hell????????? Didn’t I just write a post entitled “Free At Last” where I stated that I was delivered from all of my addictions, afflictions, fears, and worries? What was that!

This incarceration (as I call it) came out of nowhere. Absolute nowhere. There was no warning that a storm was coming. No warning whatsoever that Hurricane Cassie was on the ground. I talked to the doctor about it and he put me on a medication and says that it will have the affect that the hurricane (as I call it) will never come again. While I am grateful for that, I am still reeling a bit. For I thought that the hurricane seasons were over for me and I would never again have to deal with the aftermath of a mental hurricane. And yet, I have had to do just that. And that causes me to question  everything. Everything except my faith in God, that is. For that is unshakeable. Everything else is shaky right now, but my confidence in God is not. This is just an unexpected bend in the road on my journey of freedom that I did not know that I would have to take. But God, in His amazing sovereignety, has ordained for me. He knows exactly what He is doing and I rest completely in His Hands. My mind and my heart may be hurt and somewhat confused, but my spirit is anchored in the Lord. “That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us:Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast,” (Heb.6:18,19a)

So often, I see and read articles and blogs about God, but the human element is missing. I don’t see the confusion, the hurt, the anger at God or the fates or the circumstances that hold us captive, and that causes me to shake my head. For I know full well that we all go through periods of doubts and fears and misgivings. We are human. I am unafraid to show my humanity, knowing that I have a God Who is more than capable of taking that humanity and infusing it with His ability, power, and strengths and making me into a giant of faith. That is the victory, I believe that we have in Jesus. We don’t have to be super-human or something that we are not. All we have to do is to trust in and be obedient to Him. He and His Spirit and His Son will do the rest.

I do not know what the Lord has in store for me in these upcoming days. What I DO know, however, is that God is faithful and that His ploans for me far exceed anything that I could envision for myself. My heart and my soul trust in Him.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

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