Where I Am

I am feeling quite contemplative tonight, for tomorrow I will be 45 years old.

As I lay here in my bed, I am thinking about the past year and all that the Lord has done for me. The enemy was trying to make me feel as if no progress has been made in my life and that God was just letting me hang. But that could not be further from the truth.

I remember last year at this time. I was flat on my back, suffering from CFS. But the Lord healed me last November. I had forgotten about that because I have been too busy living and enjoying my body’s freedom. I’d forgotten that for four years, I had been imprisoned within my body, but now I am free of that. Thank God.

I am also thinking about all of the lessons that the Lord has taught me. I am so much more grounded and settled. No longer am I a slave to my feelings, though they try to kick up here and there. But I have learned, and am still learning, how to keep them in their proper place and not allow them to rule my life or my thinking. (That has been a very challenging lesson for me to learn, for I am a woman of great passion and feeling.)

I am more aware of God now. I have more insight into His compassion, His love, His mercy, and His truth. And that is all I’ve ever wanted since I was a child. To KNOW Him. I had thought to find Him in changing circumstances, but that has not been the case because my outward circumstances have remained the same for a very long time. Yet, the inward man has grown by leaps and bounds this past year. On the one hand, it seems outwardly that my life has not changed. But on the other, I can see the Lord’s handprint on my heart and in my life. Although I am still moved by certain things, I am no longer AS moved as I used to be and am able to turn my eyes back to the Shepherd a lot faster than I used to…and that is a good thing.

I am learning how to seek God more. Though I have challenges when I pray, I still pray to the One Who loves me and I know that He hears me and is here for me, whether I can see Him or feel Him or not.

Am I where I would like to be? Yes and no. There is so much more about the Lord that I want to know and experience. But I am where He wants me to be right now and that is okay with me. (Now, THAT is a victory!)

I have grown. I am looking ahead now instead of always looking behind me to the places where I have been. That’s a good thing, too. Because for so long, I was unable to picture a future for me because the past had been so horrendous for a very long time. I am more confident in my future because I know it is in the Master’s Hands and He loves me more than I will ever be able to know or contemplate.

I KNOW God loves me and has a great plan for my life. I KNOW that He wants the best to me and that He is going to give me just that as I keep my faith and hope in Him. I KNOW He is going to do good things for me in this upcoming year. I know it because He says so in His Word and He can never lie. I am looking forward to my times ahead. And it is all because of the love of God that has been poured into my heart and life in great measure this year. Thank you, Lord.

This past month has been quite a challenging part on my journey of freedom. But I realize that I truly am free. My circumstances may not have changed, but I surely have and that is of great comfort to me. Everything will fall in line as it should, because He says it will. And I trust Him. And He has trusted me enough to give me these challenges, knowing that they will make me into the woman that He has created me to be. Free.

Happy Birthday to me.

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